


A loss that isn't absence

by Melime



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Audiobook Related, Episode Related, Friendship, Gen, Gift of the Gods, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 11:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3691098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the day the Stargate Command was attacked by a horde of Jaffa, Daniel Jackson died.</p><p>And Daniel Jackson saw that happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A loss that isn't absence

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Uma perda que não é ausência](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3691083) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf). 



On the day the Stargate Command was attacked by a horde of Jaffa, Daniel Jackson died. Daniel Jackson was shot down in combat, killed by enemy soldiers because he was too slow. Daniel Jackson had his body disintegrated by a zat gun because he was on the way. Daniel Jackson was careless and failed his mission. Daniel Jackson died before his friends could do anything to help. Daniel Jackson died and the only evidence left of his death was his dog tags.

 

Daniel Jackson died.

 

And Daniel Jackson saw that happen.

 

He still couldn’t accept the events that occurred a few days before. He pretended that he had accepted, of course. No one was willing to mourn someone who seemed to have miraculously come back to life, and the destruction of the body only made the illusion easier to believe. After all, that was the joke, wasn’t it? How will Daniel Jackson die this week? How long until he comes back from the dead? He had probably already exhausted his quota of funerals. But this time was different.

 

This time, Daniel Jackson had really died. Not an implanted memory, not something that a little passage by a sarcophagus could solve. He had actually died, and wouldn’t return.

 

He was alive, of course. But it wasn’t the same. That Daniel Jackson could have had a life with just a few hours different from his, but he was someone else. From another universe. It was different than knowing that in an alternate universe the place where he probably was had been destroyed by Goa'uld and probably an alternate version of himself had died. This time, the original had died and a copy was in its place. He didn’t belong to this universe, and the universe to which he belonged was an artificial thing that ceased to exist. He was an artificial thing that shouldn’t exist.

 

He squeezed the dog tags of the Daniel Jackson that he had witnessed die so hard that they had marked his skin. Would it be better to pretend he was the same person? That none of this had happened? It was what everyone else seemed to be doing.

 

When he heard the sound of the door, he quickly wiped the tears, hoping not to have to explain why he was sitting in the dark in one of the spare rooms of the base. It was Sam who entered, with a clearly worried look. She looked at the dog tags in his hand and to those around his neck, and understood immediately.

 

"Daniel? We were looking for you, we have a mission for tomorrow." She stood in the doorway, waiting for a reaction. Since none came, she sat next to Daniel on the bed. "If you want, you can apply for a leave. No one will think less of you if you aren’t ready to return to active duty, considering the circumstances."

 

"You mean, considering I'm taking the place of someone who died and was disintegrated and that my universe was destroyed by my own hands? These circumstances?" He asked bitterly, immediately regretting treating Sam this way when she was only trying to help.

 

Sam didn’t know what to say. The situation in which he found himself was unique, and no one knew how to react. Maybe everyone had chosen to ignore the events of that day, but Daniel was the only survivor of a universe, he wouldn’t have the luxury of forgetting. However much suffering this caused, his mission was to remember those who have sacrificed themselves so that this version of Earth could survive.

 

"I didn’t see what happened, you... he was out of reach. Maybe that's why it’s easier to believe that you, that he didn’t die. But no one expects you to replace the Daniel who died, because in more ways than not, you're him. And the destruction of that alternate universe saved six billion people, you couldn’t have done anything different."

 

"I could not have come, stayed with them, died with them."

 

"And what would that have caused? We need you here. The fact that you survived doesn’t change the fate of the fabricated pocket universe."

 

"That's what they told me when I was asked to come. To die with them wouldn’t bring any good. I had to come to explain what had happened, I needed to keep fighting."

 

Sam leaned her head against his shoulder. "I'm glad you decided to come. And if it's any consolation, those people were like us, eight hours don’t change someone so much, and I'm sure that they all were willing to sacrifice themselves with no hard feelings. "

 

"I realized that, when the decision was made. The other Sam... when what was left of her life could be counted in minutes, she was worried about my chances of surviving through the gate."

 

"Eight hours don’t change someone’s character, so I can tell you that, even if I couldn’t survive a mission, it wouldn’t change my dedication."

 

"That's why I..." He rubbed his eyes trying to stop the tears. "That's why I can’t ignore what they did, I can’t pretend that this day didn’t happen. It would be a betrayal of their sacrifice."

 

Sam raised her head to face him. "No one is asking you to."

 

"It's not what it seems. You are all more than willing to forget what happened."

 

"Don’t be so sure, maybe it's just hard for them to deal with the loss of an important member of our team, but a loss that is not absence."

 

A loss that isn't absence. It was a good description. He had lost himself, but still there. He had lost all his colleagues and friends, but they were still there. It was a peculiar form of mourning. He couldn’t avoid a laugh. "It’s an almost poetic way of seeing things. How to miss someone who isn’t missing? I didn’t know you were so philosophical." In a way, much of the weight over the talk was gone.

 

Sam pushed him gently with her body, laughing lightly as well. "Now doctor specialist in linguistics, not all of us can be good with words." She then added a little more serious. "If you need to talk, I swear I'm not going to forget what happened that day, we will remember their sacrifice. I'm here for you. "

 

"Thank you, Sam."

 

He had no intention of approaching the subject again, at least not spontaneously. He would much rather Sam to forget she saw him in that position. He wasn’t the kind of person who easily talked about his problems with others, even those he considered his friends. Still, he appreciated the gesture. It wasn’t easy for him to allow himself to be in a vulnerable position, considering all that he had passed, but knowing that if he wanted he would have someone to talk was further proof that he had found a family in the team.

 

"You want me to ask to cancel our mission tomorrow? I can say that I need time to study the box you brought or consider more carefully the consequences of creating a pocket parallel universe. The general doesn’t need to know that it was you who asked."

 

Daniel shook his head. "No, it’s ok. Work will do me good. At least it’s something I can manage. But if you don’t mind, I'd rather stay alone a little longer before having to make my full report."

 

Sam looked worried for a moment, but decided not to insist. If he needed time to digest the experience, she could give him the necessary space. When she was at the door, she turned to look at him one last time. "See you tomorrow, Daniel."

 

He would be fine, he needed to be fine. He had a job to do. And, in a way, he owned that to the other Daniel.

**Author's Note:**

> One thing I just can't accept is how the audiobook doesn't deal with the fact that Daniel saw himself die. I may write more things based on it. Can you notice that I'm still kinda obsessed with Gift of the Gods? I had started this a long time ago, but only finished now.


End file.
